The Ha Long bay special

Now, imagine big rocks in emerald water. That’s Ha Long Bay. For me, this place is either a lover’s dream or a solitary escape. This time, it was all about the escape, (some might even say its the new romance). Ditch the Instagram crowd and grab a local boat. But hold on, you need a stiff drink before boarding this dragon-backed sea, just like the mythical beast did eons ago. That’s the real Ha Long Bay experience

Let's start from the top! Alex, my fixer, a guy who's clearly been doing this too long, picks me up from the hotel. Irony alert: I'm the lone wolf in a pack of tourists. But wait, there's a German trio! as in the thumb, index and middle finger, get it?  Inglourious bastards! Alex does a quick math: one vagabond from Japan plus three Germans equals a happy tour group in Vietnam. I was skeptical, but hey, the guy knows his stuff. He sold this trip for me at the first place! I was pursuing a Solo James Bond mission, but this? This was more like a group vacation with some awkwardness, Kaput!

After two hours of rattling bus and here we are, on the cusp of something prehistoric. Those limestone towers midst the mist? Not some postcard fantasy. These are the real deal, Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs. Just chilling there, in plain sight. They’re so close, you could almost reach out and touch them.

We clamber aboard our floating charter and cast off. The crew, bless their hearts, greet us with smiles as wide as the Mekong and shove plates of food in our faces. You get what you pay for, right? This is what rock bottom looks like. Cold eggs, some squid, and fish cakes that might have seen better days. The only thing worth a damn on that table were the fried squid rolls. Just when I thought I was going to mutiny, the drink menu arrives. Time to bribe the crew into some shenanigans with a few hard drinks. I’ll take the ‘Ha Long Bay Special, please’ whatever the hell that is.

Let’s be honest here, it was never about the food but the views! Our drinks arrive and my fellow comrades have blitzkrieg the only table on the deck, Cheers to that! surrounded by towering limestone karsts with lots of greens rising out of the emerald water! This is some King Kong middle earth shit! Nature on steroids, really!

Spoiler: the “Ha Long Bay special” looks and tastes the same as the jade water we were in!

Now for our first stop, Ti Tõp island, huh? A hike to the top? Great, another excuse and perfect tropical setup to sweat my balls off. What is on the top you may ask! a panoramic view with a full house of people snapping pictures like there is no tomorrow! From here you can stretch your sight as far as the weather permits! Courtesy of the gods we had some sunshine. On the way back it was an easy decision, the overcrowded and loud beach was not for me! Put me in a quiet corner with a cold beer and Amen!

Moving on, Next up is the Song Sot Cave! Ladies and gentlemen here’s where you get your money’s worth! it is absurd, what on the hell did mother earth create this for?? Want some reference? The Mines of Moria from Lord of the Rings!! Yeah, this is bat shit crazy!  What is that saying “The 'mites go up and the 'tites come down” Stalactites and stalagmites, all around hanging and growing. Looks like something out of an alien world or maybe an acid trip. All wet and dark with water dripping in the background adding acoustics for the visuals. Coming out of this rocky womb! Reborn! I admit! I will say it! I quite like my group! This cove really got me!

My agenda for today were simple! drinks on the deck-Checked and dip in this pristine water. Hey, wait, Didn’t Alex drop the K-word earlier? kayaking? Oh yeah! This is my chance! And who do I get paired with? A crazy chick who jumps off cliffs! the ‘you jump I jump’ kind! Before long I am floating belly up in what seems to be cradle of a cove surrounded by huge karsts, Life’s good man!

Now to pay the price for my actions I’m shivering like a wet dog on ice. The crew hands me chai, I’m warm but miserable. It’s the sun’s turn to take a dip. Heading back to reality is a bitch, especially after this one! This place has me hooked. The boat cuts through the water and I can’t stop thinking to jump back in! I’m already missing the stink of diesel, the taste of that questionable seafood, and the weird camaraderie with this motley crew. Fuck this. Whatever this feeling is, I don’t remember ordering it!

After all, said and done the bus ride back was a graveyard shift, nobody said a word. Even the ever-eternal optimist Alex the funny man choose to be quiet and let everyone nurse their hangovers, not the booze kind but the “this-trip-is-over” kind. As I sulk and start my countdown to reality I begin to question, Ha Long Bay in a day? A fucking day? What was I even thinking? It’s like trying to eat a whole damn pizza in one bite. This place deserves a week! What a way to end my last day in VIETNAM!